How I got to be where I am. (Part 2)

Religion is a universal experience for human beings. It has been around since the dawn of time, when man saw the awesome power of nature over his survival. Even at the dawn of the 21st century, with the growth of science and technology at a time when we want to believe that knowledge, information and reason reign supreme, the major conflicts of the world at best have religious undertones, and at worst, religion is at the center. Aristotle said that man was a political being; the corollary to that is that man is a religious beast as well. It’s not surprising that after my crisis of belief, I felt ungrounded.

The road to Buddhism
When people become disenchanted with a particular religion reactions vary. Some might become atheists, others will find a new belief system. Yet for others, as it was for me, the search was internal. Perhaps it was a disenchantment with institutional religion but I felt that my search needed to be an internal search. There was an innate feeling that it was in this internal search that I would find whatever it was I was looking for. I have to say, I was scarcely aware of the search, much less of what it was I was looking for.

My introduction to Eastern philosophy came in graduate school. A local radio station (I can’t remember if it was the UCSB campus radio station or the local NPR affiliate) aired “The love of Wisdom” a series of lectures by Alan Watts; after listening to him I was hooked. I began to seek out books on Eastern thought. Books on Taoism led to Tai Ch, “moving meditation.” Tai Chi led to an interest in meditation and meditation led me to Buddhism.

Years later I recognize how the internal search manifested itself externally as well. There was turmoil in my life and my relationships. At the time I didn’t quite recognize the connection. Suffering in my life was tangible. Much of it, if not all of it, caused by myself and the decisions I was making. I don’t regret any of those decisions, I do however regret any suffering I may have caused in others.


When the student is ready the teacher will present herself
In my search for a place to meditate I found the Sweetwater Zen Center in what I thought at the time was a most unlikely place. After a few months of practice and the demise of my personal relationship at the time, I ended up living there for a little over a year. It was exactly what I needed at the time. A very gentle and welcoming introduction to Zen and an encouragement for me to work on my psychological issues through therapy. I give all the credit in the world to Seisen Saunders Roshi for giving me the space to do what I needed to do.

After I left the Zen Center I went “back home” to Tijuana, Mexico. It was a wonderful couple of years, where I could step back, take stock, and re-connect with family. However in that time my Zen practice waned. In the last year I’ve entered a pretty amazing relationship with a very wonderful woman. And the call to the cushion has become strong again. Once again, the teacher has presented herself. Sensei Mitra Bishop of the Hidden Valley Zen Center has appeared in my path. Even though our interactions have been brief to this point, I have to accept that there is a somewhat deep connection for me, and more importantly a trust. With her guidance I hope to deepen my meditation practice and let life unfold. By the way, what I write in this blog are completely my understandings or misunderstandings and should not be taken as a reflection my teachers in any way.

San Diego Fires...

May all my neighbors in San Diego County and throughout the state of California find safety and find refuge in the company of their loved ones.

Roberto

How I got to be where I am. (Part 1)

As a high school teacher of World Religions my students often ask, “so what are you?” As a teacher of students ranging from 16 to 18 years of age, I want to present the information in a way that is factual, historically accurate and untainted by what they might see as my personal biases. I do this when I teach Government. One year about half of my students thought I was a Democrat, the other half thought I was a Republican, a few even pegged me as Libertarian. So the deal I make with my students is to not tell them what my religious identification is until the end of the course. However this question presents a quandary for me.

A crisis of faith
The question "so what are you?" forces me to think about how to answer that question. I was brought up Catholic. Nuns in elementary school and all. And to be honest my upbringing was very positive for me. I was baptized, received my First Communion and did my Confirmation. So, in some was the easy way to answer the question is, "I’m Catholic." However, I don’t practice anymore. I experienced what at one point I considered a crisis of faith in the mid 1990s. It came to head when my parish priest railed with conviction about how AIDS was God’s punishment for the immoral behavior of homosexuals. His statement struck me as the most un-Christian thing I could imagine. Had Jesus not given us the example of love and compassion by healing lepers and consorting with prostitutes, both shunned by the society of their time? My priest and in fact to a large extent, the Catholic Church as an institution seemed to lack compassion. In that moment, the Church i had been brought up in, somehow became less genuine to me.

Today I have a better grasp of what I experienced then. It was not a crisis of faith, it was a crisis of belief. In The Wisdom of Insecurity, Alan Watts makes the distinction between faith and belief. He defines belief as “the insistence that the truth is what one would...wish it to be.” Faith, he defines as the unreserved opening of the mind to the truth, whatever it may turn out to be.” I often tell my students today that confusion is a good thing. That confusion lies at the threshold of knowledge. Confusion is our brain saying, "what I’m reading or hearing now does not match up with what I recognized as truth just a little bit ago." When the truth in question is a strongly held one, a deeply rooted one, one which takes a lifetime to develop. When confusion arises over the institution that had so pervaded your life...confusion turns into crisis. So I walked away from the Church, not in anger nor curiously enough with a sense of betrayal, but perhaps with a sense of disappointment.

Perhaps walking away was a childish response to an unrealistic expectation. Perhaps the walking away was in and of itself an act lacking in compassion, nevertheless, an internal shift had taken place and my search began. Not that I immediately went from Catholicism to Buddhism. However I did have a sense that I needed to go within.

Next time...how I got to Zen.

Welcome!

Hello! Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Roberto Rodriguez. I'm a political scientist by training, a high school teacher by profession, and a Zen student. My intention for this site is to track my personal journey through Zen. A process I expect will last a lifetime.

The motivation behind doing so is threefold. First and foremost, as a writer I find this personal journey fascinating. The internal pull towards something in a very palpable yet inexplicable way is worth some consideration.

Second, Zen is not an easy practice, many come to it and find frustration. Yet, in the Zendos I've participated in I found a strong reluctance to talk about these frustrations. I've decided to share my experiences with anyone who might be interested.

The third reason is that by writing my experiences, thoughts and reflections, I'm able to let the thoughts go, and hopefully obsess a little less. Right now I'm not sure what the subjects will be about, I'm sure they will be varied. While my intent is for the posts to be related to my practice as a Zen student, often the things that come through the practice are related to Zen only in that came through practice. My intent however is truth in advertising, this site will be about the things I reflect on as I try to expand my practice from the cushion to the rest of my life.

So in the first couple of posts I'll share how it is I got to this point. After that, we'll see what comes up.